Man I just got back from the doctor. I’ve been having these horrible dizzy spells and been falling to my knees a lot. I’m not sure exactly what’s up. I spent a few ours in bed yesterday hallucinating.  Seeing lights in waves. The sort of thing you see when someone puts you in a choker hold. It feels like my blood isn’t circulating right or something. Been short of breath a lot. Got news that my hard drive is down for good, so I lost the masters for all of the videos I made up until December. How about that. Feels good. When I say “good” I mean it in the way Michael Jackson said “Bad”.  So That’s happening. Some of you probably know that Apnea and I have been shooting a full length movie since December. It’s been hell on Earth at times. It’s been great at other times. I think my body hit a few brick walls. Too many weeks in a row of 20 hour work days. Too many pounds of luggage being dragged from state to state. I think we’ve been in eight states so far.

We’ve just been grinding running on empty too long. Every door opened leads to a hall with two more doors or a hole to the crawl space. I’m just happy I have Apnea at my side and she’s done so much to help make my dream come to fruition. I really am. You know… I often forget to be thankful for what I DO have and the chances given to me. This business is over saturated and the whole entertainment industry is shit. Everyone’s broke and losing their houses, and entertainment is basically sold on an honors system. It’s just too easy to steal music, movies, and art on the internet. The real shame is that so many of us run really small businesses that can’t take that kind of blow. This is my tenth year doing this and my tenth year swimming upstream… but fuck it, I’ve never had any sort of money and I’ve been fortunate enough to have gained a lot of wisdom through my trials. It’s good to know the difference between needs and wants. Everyone should learn this in their lifetime. If I had made any real money, I wouldn’t have known what to do with it anyway… so. Well…

In four years we’ll see who’s an artist at heart and who’s just trying to make money. Some of us put our entire hearts and souls into everything we do. It doesn’t mean we are the best, but it means we do our best. I put my life into every bit of work I put out, and it’s not for a pay off. It’s because that’s the only way I can live with myself. that’s just my nature. I was so excited as the internet was coming up. I was visioning all of the new forms of music and art that would be seen. Millions of different angles. Instead it feels like everything is just mixing together into a pool of gray. I don’t know… I’ve been scouring the internet every day I have off from shooting looking for new music and going through artists profiles… Just seems like there are only a few trains. A few different engines pulling thousands of cars down the same tracks. It’s so hard to see so many people making it big off of ripping off unknown artists as well. Well god damn I’m just on a tear tonight.

One day I’ll write a book about the past nine years and I’ll finally make a dollar off my life. A few days later we’ll be killed by multiple people, but you know… Live by the sword. Trying to shake a hex. Fucking hate that feeling. Well It pains me to say it, but I do believe that things work out for a reason. It hurts to go through so many trials, but how can you measure what you gain from such things? Also, looking back at all of the horrors… who can say how they may have just saved me from something worse. I’m still here. I’m sober. I’m still alive. I have love and passion left and I’ve carved my name at the bottom a few times. I may never touch the top, but it’s good to look up and dream. In the end my day dreams are better than my nightmares these days, and that says something. I really thought I was dying for a few hours yesterday, and all I could think of was how badly I want to finish this movie and how fortunate it is that I was given a chance to do this on such a large scale.   

Oh… And when I say that I went to the doctor, I mean to say I went to the blood pressure machine at Walmart. It says I still have a pulse.”

- Chase Lisbon

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